This again is one of the posts I wrote in the other blog. I present it for what it is worth.
Strange as it may seem, there are certain very ordinary events in life which leaves their trace on our psyche irrespective of their relative unimportance at the time of their happening. These imprints may not be evident at the time of their occurrence; they may not raise any ripple in the mind at all. But then in the course of other events these insignificant incidents assume a sudden importance and stands out in clear perspective before the inner eye.
There is this incident in my life which seemed quite absurd when it happened. I was visiting an interesting mystic on the suggestion of my cousin. He (the cousin) had stayed with the mystic for over three years. I don’t know who it was that suggested that the wife and I go visit him and ask his blessings. Well I had never visited any god men up to that point. I was totally against going too I believe, though I have this inner belief that I may have caused it in some way.
Any way we went and he had a strange glow in his eyes (some mystics have this, it’s a result of long hours of meditation, I believe. Some who practice Trataka (gazing at an object without blinking your eye for hours on end) also seem to posses this peculiarity of the eye. All the same it was impressive; you have heard of piercing eyes, these eyes went beyond it. They seemed to enter into your very being and to see everything inside.
When we were there, there was one other couple in the long room that he was sitting in. The place did not especially show any opulence and everything looked frugal. The man in the couple seemed completely under the spell of the mystic. He was obviously being controlled and was acting as if in a trance. He looked very stupid too, I am sorry to say. Anyway they belonged to the upper classes of the society and their children seemed very affectionate towards the mystic. This seemed to be in answer to my doubt that the mystic had a sort of 'low level' following. This also intrigued me. He could obviously read thoughts, even the thoughts of those who were coming to visit him unannounced!
The couple departed after some time and the mystic began to talk to us and I must say that I was impressed by the manner he began to drive me to the wall by strange but seemingly innocuous references to my past life. He would not say something directly but would construct an image with words which alluded to some thing that happened. The mystic seemed clairvoyant. He was smoking a long cigarette at that time. I thought it strange for we have certain conceptions about such characters.
He suddenly asked me. Why did you stop it? What’s the harm in continuing it? I was confused. I asked. Stop what? He indicated the cigarette. Now, I had quit smoking some four years back and was still regretting it every minute of the day. I was a moderately heavy smoker. It was hard to stop it and I was struggling hard to keep at it. Hence his question intrigued me. But I did not say anything about it. It was a hard won victory for me and I had secretly prided in my force of will which made it possible.
Then he began to ask about this and that and it always seemed that he knew more about me than myself. Was it a trick or something, I was beginning to wonder. Then he suddenly told me. Don’t become a sanyasin, she would be heart broken. I was stunned. It was true that I had practiced meditation and mantra yoga for a long time in my life. But I had been slowly becoming absorbed in other things after my marriage.
At the time I was speaking of I didn't have the faintest inclination towards that way of life. The request (or was it a command) seemed utterly absurd to me then. I was more into the tradition of tantriks than the sanyasins. My belief then was that one could achieve liberation while going on with ones ordinary life. That is the true tantrik tradition. We soon left. I laughed all the way back.
To her too it did not seem real. Anyway I had absolutely no intention of becoming a sanyasin at all. Years passed, I forgot my meeting with the mystic and was enjoying my life.
Then one day while meditating some inner change occurred. I was suddenly illumined. I saw everything clearly as if I was always aware of it, I realized the futility of human life and was filled with immense love for everything that there is in the universe. I had suddenly forgotten that I had a wife and parents and I was this person and had these things in life. I felt suddenly liberated, I was no more bound, I was no more a prisoner of my senses, and I knew what evil and good really was. I saw everything as child’s play. No ties existed for me; I had no relatives, no name, nothing.
I saw myself as the core of everything, I had nothing to do further, and my body was a mere appendage which had no importance. I had finally given up everything. I had really become a sanyasin. At that time I was doing the Jnana meditation, its final destination, if I could call it that, is the realization of the one reality behind everything. Such realization would not bring any 'sidhis' as they are called in the world. In fact the jnana looks down on all such things as spurious. Hence you must not assume I had become like a god with great 'powers' as they are called. I had gone beyond that.
Even before this state was reached I had observed in my meditative states that all the gods were paying me their respects. They all came unasked for and would leave after bowing to me. I should say here that this intrigued me no end. I thought that they were making fun of me.
All the time I was having these experiences I was leading a normal life otherwise. I had the same pettiness, irritations, joys and hatreds. I did not find any change in me other than in the inward meditative states. But once this stunning revelation happened I was another being altogether. I knew that I had become liberated and even that did not seem to be of any importance. From that moment I just did not exist as a human individual, I had the body yet; I knew that it would last for some time still. Other than that I had become one with existence.
I stood up and decided to leave then and there. The loose dressI was wearing at that time fell off from my body as I rose and I was standing wearing only what was underneath. It did not seem to matter, I started out. I was leaving everything behind. I could visualize my wife and my mother sleeping inside the house. That also did not matter. I felt compassionate towards them but no more connected. As I was leaving a single thought surfaced.
She will be heart broken.
I stood for some time listening to it. What did it mean? My mind was completely without thoughts then. I struggled hard to capture this thought. It seemed distant, meaningless, and unimportant. What makes me listen to it, I wondered. Was there something yet for me to do in this life?
Then I remembered her that I took for my wife. But I could not recall any special feeling for her, she was like my child, even my mother appeared like a child to me, playing in the shadows, not seeing anything beyond. Why this thought. I had to struggle hard to recall my past life. It appeared like a figment of imagination, nothingness. What do I have to do with it?
Then the thought came again. She will be heart broken. I realized it to be true. I do not know why, but she has always doted on me. I am the world for her and she is a simple and childlike soul. If I left her she might go crazy with grief. But should that detain me? These are mere fancies of a life non-existent. But the thought had stopped me. I sat down and began to meditate on her. Her life of simple faith in me became immediately revealed to me. I could see what would happen to her if I left. My mother might take it in her stride, but not this one. She was still young; it would destroy her life for ever.
I knew that even that would not touch me. I was beyond all that. I had become spotless, purged of everything that was worldly. If I had to remain in it I may have to force my consciousness to accept this world back. It seemed so useless to do so. I was beyond death and sorrow, should I receive them back? I began to meditate on the world, and on relationships and on Maya. They were all distant, inaccessible. I decided to try to bring them back.
They came dead slowly and unwillingly. As I went on trying I managed to bring back some feeling for her. I latched on to it and began to think, there is still my body, it has to run its course, and that course is within the world, why not spend it with her, even if I can’t bring back the old feelings for her. She has terribly strong feelings for me and I knew that she would never let go of them. I decided to give it a try. It was a long battle but I remained and attracted the world back into me. It came.
Now years after the Maya has come back with a vengeance. I no longer rule her but she has supreme authority over me. It is strange how she does it. She is the great enchantress; she has got me back in her mesh and is wreaking real havoc. Well perhaps in reality nothing matters.
Both are whole. Both are real, this world of delusion and that one of reality. Both exists in relation to each other. They are mutually inclusive rather than exclusive, for the one generates the other. To those who know they are the same. To others both may become the cause of sorrow.